"Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. Every table had an argument going. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.". We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday I would have memorized it years ago! "George Carlin: You Are All Diseased". You are just turning 20 for the third time. May your birthday bring you good luck to last for the whole year. His take on conventional comedy made him one of the most famous and widely remembered artists till date. Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.". May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. Showing search results for "George Carlin Birthday" sorted by relevance. Do you get on before you get on? My heart felt wishes and blessings are coming your way on the wonderful occasion of your birthday. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. Teach them to question everything.15.We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. Happy 60th Birthday! What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. Some are funny, some are insightful, but they're all packed with his typical brutal honesty. John Allison. I'm taking your birthday as an opportunity to thank you for all that you are to me. Enjoy the best George Carlin Quotes at BrainyQuote. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain. The people are f**ked.58.If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.59.Im happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.60.I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. Below are the absolute best quotes we could find from this legendary comedians career. "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.". The planet is fine . I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam. After working on building a wall, brick by brick, for a year and a half, he realized that the approach to tackling any goal can be done in the same way. Whats the matter with you? Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.48.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.49.So, have a little fun. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball. 160 Copy quote. "He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.". George Carlin quotes and jokes about humanity. Happy Birthday, my dearest sister. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. Follow AzQuotes on Facebook, Twitter and Google+. ":"&")+"url="+encodeURIComponent(b)),f.setRequestHeader("Content-Type","application/x-www-form-urlencoded"),f.send(a))}}},s=function(){var b={},d=document.getElementsByTagName("IMG");if(0==d.length)return{};var a=d[0];if(! 65th Birthday Birthday Wishes Funny Birthday Friends Husband Advertising God Birthday Funny Catholic Humanity Driving Addiction Smile World Movies Reason Libraries Lies. Don't forget to confirm subscription in your email. There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. Showing search results for "George Carlin Birthday" sorted by relevance. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. 172 Copy quote. More, by Quotezine Team April 5, 2018, 5:42 pm, Do that every single day, and soon you have a wall, In this video, Will Smith delivers an inspiring speechdiscussing a lesson he learned while working for his fathers construction business. Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age. Deal with it.3.Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and dont have time for all that.4.Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.5.A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.6.Some people have no idea what theyre doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.7.The caterpillar does all the work, but thebutterflygets all the publicity.8.Never argue with an idiot. Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. Booth Tarkington. Like. The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. Comedian I'm not just 68. I just love you too much. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. "If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.". And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. Hope your year is better than those ears! The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. Documentary, Comedy, 1984. Happy Birthday. There's no present. Happy Birthday to the most lovable and adorable star on this planet. Showing search results for "George Carlin Birthday" sorted by relevance. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid., by Quotezine Team April 5, 2018, 5:39 pm, by emmanuel tamrat July 8, 2016, 8:54 am, by Quotezine Team April 24, 2016, 10:32 pm, by Quotezine Team February 15, 2016, 10:17 pm, by Quotezine Team November 27, 2015, 7:19 pm, by emmanuel tamrat September 14, 2015, 2:06 pm, comedianscomedy quotesdeadfunny quotesfunny quotes and sayingsfunny sayingsgeorge carlinlovemarriageone linerspoliticsreligiontop 25. Carlin was always fearless and took pride in never running from conflict. 1999. Turning partly light by morning." (as Al . That's our history. But did you ever notice that we have no war on homelessness? Commentdocument.getElementById("comment").setAttribute("id","ad25fff6afc452fed4d50cd58278ff8c");document.getElementById("i20ae56af4").setAttribute("id","comment"); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. You know why? The only difference is I look a whole lot older now. 500 matching entries found. The career of comedian George Carlin (1937-2008) spanned five decades, with his first appearance on "The Tonight Show" being in 1962.He was an outspoken, acerbic social critic, and what came out of his mouthcould be shocking or even sometimes vulgar, but often his railings against injustice or stupidity or corruption shone a light on some dark areas as he said things that others would or . "Men are from Earth . The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate. Top 10 George Carlin Quotes. Im just kidding. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. 3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?, p.205, Hachette UK. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. Show more. George Carlin (2002). Show me one guy or woman as funny as Rodney Dangerfield or as good as George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Bill Cosby, or Joan Rivers. Happy Birthday! There's only the immediate future and the recent past. It certainly qualifies. . Happy 60th Birthday! 500 matching entries found. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. George Carlin Happy Birthday Quotes. Happy Birthday, my sugar lumps! We're coming for you! Happy Birthday! Yippee your birthday is finally here. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot. May your smile get brighter with each passing year. Maybe this time itll work., 31.If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, youre going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.32.Conservatives say if you dont give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. Try spelling Evian backward.10.Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups., 11.Careful, if you think too much, theyll take you away.12.Think off-center.13.Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.14.Dont just teach your children to read. We haven't tried that for a while. It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. American George Carlin's Estate, via HBO. There is nothing wrong with the planet. George Carlin American Comedian born on May 12, 1937, died on June 22, 2008 George Denis Patrick Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author. William Butler Yeats: "From our birthday, until we die, / Is but the winking of an eye." Plato: "Old age: A great sense of calm and freedom. BrainyQuote has been providing inspirational quotes since 2001 to our worldwide community. Show more. Napalm & Silly Putty, Hyperion. Youve seen or experienced a lot of wonderful things all these years. They should be more vivid. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? George Carlin. It is time to sing and dance, and it is time for birthday bumps! Tweet. George Carlin. Improve yourself, find your inspiration, share with friends, This website or its third-party tools use cookies, which are necessary to its functioning and required to achieve the purposes illustrated in the cookie policy. Oftentimes, tasks can sometimes [] More, 99% of passengers couldnt identify this world class musician, Joshua Bell, a world class violinist, decides to play the violin for 45 minutes in a busy train station. I don't give a shit! "It's harder to be funny from the position of power. Famous Quotes by George Carlin about Politics. You know an odd feeling? 65th Birthday Birthday Wishes Funny Birthday Friends Husband Advertising God Birthday Funny Catholic Humanity Driving Addiction Smile World Movies Reason Libraries Lies. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. Its just soft., Heres all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. George Carlin. "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?". TIME takes a look at some of the legendary comedian's most memorable lines . It will not be with jack-boots. 500 matching entries found. The experiment raised a [] More, by Quotezine Team April 5, 2018, 5:36 pm. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. Happy Birthday to you, my dearest friend. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. Thats the problem.19.We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.20.The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.21.Although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me., 22.When youre born into this world, youre given a ticket to the freak show. - George Carlin. 500 matching entries found. In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. tags: humor , sci-fi , sleep. "Democracy Now!" with Amy Goodman, www.democracynow.org. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking. Wishing a special 60th Birthday to a special person like you! And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.". At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim. George had an interesting take on the things that he did. Live album by George Carlin, 1988. Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. 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